fear

I had a different blog post lined up for this week but I’ll save that for next week if things go according to plan. It is very difficult to explain what happened to me this past weekend and what I am still currently feeling. I was at work on Saturday, November 5. After my lunch, I returned to work for a little bit when all of the sudden my heart is racing and I can feel it through my chest. My head feels like tv static and it’s really hard to breathe. I don’t know what’s going on. I run and sit outside for a few minutes. I go back and tell my coworker that I have to go home. All I could think was, what the fuck happened and get home as soon as possible. I go to the ER the next day, Sunday. They do an EKG and an ultrasound on my Aorta. Nothings wrong they say. Everything looks fine. Well I don’t feel fine. I can’t breathe properly. I get lightheaded sporadically. My heartbeat has slowed down but I can still feel it, beating hard. I just want to be okay. My mind went to the worst places. Had to force myself to stop thinking that way. I went to the doctor on Tuesday, November 8, and got some tests done and blood work. The results came back normal and the only logical outcome for all this is sort of what I expected it to be from the beginning: Stress & Anxiety.

These two things work hand in hand off of the primal feeling humans called fear. I’m so afraid of what’s ahead or if I’ll achieve my goals that I get so overwhelmed thinking about it. On that Saturday, fear, in combination with substances such as nicotine, caffeine, and my inhaler (albuterol sulfate), sent me over an edge when I wasn’t ready to jump.

This entire experience got me thinking about how I deathly afraid of death I am, and how much I actually value living and life. Although at times, I do wish life was better, I am glad to be here. It also got me thinking about some interesting photographs I could make. Something I’ve never really done before but would be a fun experiment. I will have to look into it.

I am feeling slightly better, still feeling some odd physical feelings, but getting better.